I like the person I am when he leaves me

my husband left me.

not for good. at least I don’t think so. he’s supposed to be back in five days or so. sometimes I lose track, to be honest. he comes and goes. it’s all good. because I’ve come to realize that I really like the me that emerges when he goes away. I ease back into the independent lifestyle I discovered after my divorce.

I haven’t had much alone time. so when it comes, I embrace it. I enjoy having what I want for dinner, when I want it. I like the quiet of the house. I like the accomplishment of doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. I like dancing and singing while nobody is looking.

these seem like small things. and it paints a picture that I’m usually sitting around, being waited on hand and foot. and to some degree, this is true. not because I can’t do anything myself. quite the contrary. I think my husband enjoys things like cooking and cleaning. so he does it. all the time. I’m spoiled and so very lucky. I know this. but it feels good to take over.

yesterday and today I fixed the bathtub. with a butter knife.

two days ago and today I beat the shit out of my punching bag.

today I took my boys on an adventure that I hope will change their lives forever. someday they might actually realize this.

yesterday I cooked a meal for my boys that they absolutely loved. they all cleaned their plates and the two oldest had seconds. Middle Man asked, “Do you ever cook for Christopher?” sadly, no. I do not because, for the most part, I’m a horrible cook. I was flattered that they enjoyed the meal so much.

when my not-yet husband was still living in Europe, I longed for him to join me and be with me. I cried myself to sleep countless times. I counted the days until we’d be together.

right now, he’s back in Europe on a job and I don’t even know for sure what day he comes home.

being in a loving, strong relationship sure has its benefits.

but being alone sometimes is quite kickass as well.

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